Unicorn Hair FTW!
Is not Mark Zuckerberg!

Seattle, WA—Despite being 274 days away, Joe Groover is ecstatic about the upcoming social media event, “Social media stories: the power of using social media to talk about social media.” The unemployed social media guru has created a twtvite and has also posted 12,459 tweets with the hashtag #smstpousmttasm in this week alone.

“There’s nothing better than attending a conference about social media with other people you met using social media,” explained the 29-year-old. “We’re even using the power social media sites like Twitter and LinkedIn to tell people about the social media conference about using social media to share informative news about social media.”

In the 7 hour interview with Groover, he explains how amazing it is for someone to read something on Twitter and can use their viral influence by re-tweeting something, then someone can re-tweet the retweet and possibly someone else will re-tweet the re-tweet.

He added, “It’s great. Why talk about anything else on social media when you can talk about social media? This is why upscale companies pay for social media gurus.”

So sad. Poor Joe Groover, the unemployed Social Media Guru. Hehe

Bit Rebels has a great post up about Illustrated Tweets from http://twaggles.com. Funny!

Comic Sans gets kicked in the teeth again. Hahaha.

Every day people ask me, "Keith, how is it you're so cool and awesome and hunky?" Until now I have been hesitant to share my secret of suckcess because of my intent to sell people on how to sell people on how to sell people on being suckcessful. My plan regarding going full-on Tony Robbins with a dash of Amway is nearly complete and I can share some of my secrets now with the hopes that you'll randomly drop coin in my American Dream Wishing Well. In the near future, I will travel around this great country of ours delivering motivational speeches at corporate offices introducing my official seminar, Suckcess 101. Let me explain.

Cheesy Stock Image

Suckcess 101 is a program I developed after years of meticulous research performed with Google and tequila. I have found the true path to success isn't in giving. Giving is for losers who refuse to support people with drive and ambition, like me. These so-called "givers" throw their money down the toilet every day by forking over wads of cash to charities and even their own children. The real secret of success is to SUCK the very life from everyone around you. So instead of success, you need to achieve "suckcess".

Below is my list of ten things you need to know to suckceed on the Internet. It's a little preview into my Suckcess 101 seminar and naturally, you're welcome.

1. Twisted Lister

First and foremost is you must create lists for everything you can think of. Everybody knows MTV rotted intellectual culture a long time ago and the average American is dumber than Nina Blackwood's pet rock. If you don't spoon feed people with bite-sized lists, you might as well attend a Lord of the Rings Elvish language meetup wearing your best command HIp and speaking Klingon. Every time you write a blog article, make sure it starts with the number of ways you're going to insult your readers' intelligence. Hey, they can't say they didn't see it coming.

Ok, this is perfect.

"4. Reinvent Your Douchy Imaginary Title

One sure way to collect followers like a summer marsh attracts gnats is to come up with a better douchy imaginary job title than everyone else. Here are some examples: Thought Leader, Conversation Catalyst, Progressive Thinker, Web 10.1 Guru, Underlying Thought Expert, Process Improvement Psychologist, Useless Consulting Strap-On, and Second Coming Know-It-All, to name a few. The point is that if you have read this far and you think teh internets were made just so you can gouge the ignorant, then you must have a douchy imaginary title that sets you apart from the other douches."

SNORT

It’s easy to be an egotistical maniac in social media.

Within this safe cocoon, you’re liked.  Appreciated.  Respected.

Outside it, you’re an alarming shithead.

I, on the other hand, have found away to be the latter in both.

You had to look up what “latter” meant, didn’t you? You always mistake it for “former.”

There’s no time, schizophrenic italic voice-in-my-head.

No time for that now.

Seven signs you’re taking yourself way too seriously on the Internet.

Hilarious. Go read it.

My favorite- "For Real-Life Crises, You seek Advice From Anonymoous Internet People."

Tags: cheat free media sheet social Social Media